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My husband has HPV-2 and just left me

Discussion in 'Personal Experience with Herpes' started by jodhee, Jan 22, 2008.

  1. jodhee

    jodhee Newbie

    my husband was diagnosed about 15 months ago with HPV-2
    doctor said it could have been dormant in his system for 20 years, this can happen. we have been together for 12 years and never any symptoms. He was totally and completely devastated and started having lots of bad outbreaks, treatments just didnt seem to work.
    on our 10th wedding anniversary and xmas eve, he left and said the marriage is over and he's never coming back.
    we have a beautiful waterfront home, a beautiful little child, financially secure and a fantastic life and a great marriage.
    but a year without sex is a long time and then the love and intimacy gets called into question i guess. i love him more than anything else in this entire world (along wiht our child) but he has closed down completely, switched off , refusing counselling, taken every possession he owns.

    he is an incredibly successful, compassionate, loving and caring guy with a lot of friends and a great career.
    Right now, he has left me, he has no job, no where to live, no money and full blown herpes, and no one knows except me, his wife. We have a little child who misses her daddy. he sees her everyday. He will not talk to me or even look at me. Says the marriage is over i am due no explanation and thats it. After 12 years together? Thats it?

    Now he's seems out to self-destruct, he wants our family home sold, he wants a divorce, he wants half of everything, he told me he just wants a 'new life" on his own. Its totally insane. Its so very irrational for him and so out of character, he has a very gentle caring nature and very sensitve guy, and its like he hates himself so is trying to just ruin his life.

    I think he's fallen into a dark place and mentally I am 99% positive that the herpes has just taken over him. He cried when he first told me he had it, he was so totally devastated but I just always told him, its ok, we will get through this, its not cancer, we can just get past it together. I never really thought the mental impact it could have. He has been a bit depressed since he got it and lost his 'sparkle' . I have asked our friends to keep an eye on him but they dont think he's depressed (of course no one in the world knows that he has Herpes or how he feels about that, and i could never betray him and tell anyone)

    I love him and would do anything to get him back. I have never questioned how he got herpes as we have always been faithful and i just know from research this is just one of those unfortunate things that can happen, its no ones fault. He could have got it age 18. anything. But, He has been incredibly stressed and lost a really big job just a month or so before he got his first outbreak and was diagnosed with Herpes. Since then it just never really got much better.

    We thought it would just improve and our sex lives could resume certainly I had no problem with that and so I thought we were OK. but he got lots of outbreaks and so we just never had sex anymore (for a year) he is only 40. We have a lovely life and i think he is totally depressed and this is caused by the herpes.

    I spoke to his doctor to tell him what had happend, that he walked out on his family right on xmas eve etc. The doctor was most concerned about all of this, really quite distressed to hear it. But he cannot do anything, so all I can hope for is that my man talks to his doctor (but even if he does I wont find out, due to patient doctor confidentiality) but at least the Dr can try and get him suppressants/ or see some one to talk it all through with. I went and got my own shrink to help me through the separation (this is only 4 weeks ago he left!!) and my shrink is hugely concerned about the mental state of my guy but she cant do anything about it either, she is the only one i have told about the herpes so she knows the full story about our lives and i am trying to make sense why he would just walk out on a fantastic life and marriage, i love him 100% and always will.

    in the meantime i have to sit back and just hope he doesnt self destruct and take the whole family with him. I love him more than anything and will do anything to make sure he is OK, but right now he has shut me right out so i just have to hope this all works out.

    Does anyone else have examples of people just self-destructing themselves or their relationships or their marriages due to depression casued by herpes?
  2. VVK

    VVK Active Member

    Did anything significant happen in the time just prior to his diagnosis and in the 15 months that followed? (Besides no sex.)

    Ok, I'm going to retract my question - he lost his job, was stressed. Are you able to support yourself? If so, I think the best thing you can do is let this take its course.. if you still love him, you could tell him that and let him know that you're waiting for him to come home to his family. He needs to understand that his life isn't over.. maybe he could use some information about herpes (he might be thinking the worst, and understandably if he's in a lot of pain).. I have no idea how important that job was for him.
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2008
  3. NotSoGood

    NotSoGood Member

    sorry 4 all the pain u r going through. i have n info for u but i hope others on this forum can hel. keep your head up and pray
  4. jodhee

    jodhee Newbie

    Hi yes just immediately before his diagnosis he got made redunandant from a really high power job and his self esteem was just shot. So i took him away for 6 weeks holiday in Europe with our child and we had a fantastic time, but it was 40+ deg plus (centigrade so over 100 deg F)

    So from what have read on the internet, extreme heat plus extreme stress can trigger an outbreak. When we got home from our holiday he then started looking for a new job (which is stressful) and thats when he got diagnosed with HPV-2
  5. jodhee

    jodhee Newbie

    Hi.... well right before xmas his last contract job ended and so we agreed that he would look after our child for about 3-6 months , take time out, hang with the kid and basically chill out because he has worked hard all year. 12 months ago I started my own business and its been hugely successful and is now a million dollar business so we are financially OK and then I can support him, he get to take some well-earned time out and i thought this was a great position (he said he was looking forward to it all) but maybe just made his self esteem even worse, having a successful wife, supporting you but I actaully thought I was allowing him some time to go off and pursue other interests like singing, etc and relieve him of the stress of being the breadwinner. Looks like that backfired eh?

    So i am sitting here in the big waterfront house, with my beautiful child here, with a successful business and money in the bank. He has taken off and has nothing (and he's blaming me for that) and all i want is for him to come home so we can be a family again. he can take all the time he needs, months whatever. As long as he is honest and gets some help at some stage. I just want him back, we are here to support him. I would quit my business, anything, to get him back. He is going to give up everything we have both worked so hard for in 12 years, in pursuit of what? Maybe just a midlife crisis . maybe more? maybe i'll never know. god it hurts.
  6. Caliope

    Caliope Well-Known Member

    I am not in a position to judge anyone or to question what is in their hearts but "guilt" can destroy people.

    I am going to be a bit harsh and I apologize in advance but I hear in your message major warning bells.

    People don't just self destruct for no reason at all. It is clear that herpes is the reason you have been given but it is also clear that this type of response is not rational so it would lead me to believe that there is more to the situation than simply a virus.

    It is a heartbreaking situation but if he has abandoned you and your marriage and his child and is now suing for half of everything he has made a decision to leave your life. He is not acting like someone who is acting out of love. You need to take the steps to protect yourself and your child and not be taken in by your desire to have pity for him. Get a good attorney who will make sure you are taken care of properly in the divorce.

    Maybe you just dodged a major bullet by him making this extreme move.

    When someone tells you who they are listen but when they show you who they are believe them. He is showing you the truth whether he is telling you the truth or not. Protect yourself now.
  7. jodhee

    jodhee Newbie

    Hi thanks, yes i have got a good lawyer and got myself protected and done all that to prepare myself for the worst case eventuality. i hear what you are saying. its just a bit surreal. i do love him but i also have to be prepared that this episode is nothing to do with herpes or depression but simply he has left the marriage. i just dont want everything destroyed unless i know all the options have been explored, i truly dont think he is happy but the ball is in his court. i am just focussing on keeping myself sane, happy and healthy for my little child becuase thats the priority right now. thanks for your support.
  8. VVK

    VVK Active Member

    I don't know why, but for some reason I don't buy the whole "20 years of latency" idea. And his actions are suspicious. I didn't want to say this before, but maybe something else happened on that vacation or before/shortly afterwards that may have exposed him to the virus. Latency is a possibility, but how long have you known him outside of marriage? And how much do you / can you trust him?

    Sorry to cast seeds of doubt, but it is still an important possibility to consider.
  9. jodhee

    jodhee Newbie

    hi... i did a bit of research on this as there are so many Herpes websites out there!!! It does look like the virus can lie dormant for years, ten - twelve years or more. There were some things earlier on like 'jock'itch or groin rash that we both thought was attributed to him just working out at the gym /jogging etc and maybe he just hoped would go away but he only got tested 15 months ago.

    We know each other and our histories pretty well, we were flatmates before getting married so he was already my mate and my best friend before he became the love of my life and we spent pretty much our entire married life together (eg no overnight conferences or holidays apart etc) so i honestly just dont think there was any third party thing but I can rule anything out right now. Anyway whatever has happened its like its all my fault he is blaming me for everything which is the bit that is so hard because he is taking his anger out on me and I just want him back (maybe he thinks i gave it to him? I am now wondering if thats it. he asked me to have a test right before xmas and i said No, I honestly didnt see the point of why I should have a test, he is the one with the virus. And I naievely thought if i have no symptoms then why should i get tested? . looking back now this may have been a key thing that triggered his actions, or made him mad, but maybe I should just have done the test, i dont have any symptoms ( i am checking daily!) but then maybe I have a dormant strain like he did. Anyway I have only started doing all this online research since he left.
  10. VVK

    VVK Active Member

    The herpes test wouldn't prove who gave it to who, unless he took a blood test when he showed initial symptoms and he did not have any antibodies at the time. So if he was IgG negative for herpes at the first outbreak, then someone had just given it to him - whether it was you or somebody else.

    I'm not sure whether getting the test will improve your situation. :(
  11. Bee123

    Bee123 Newbie

    Well, if he's had it for 10+ years then I don't see how you could have avoided getting it too.

    If you get tested and don't have it then it's pretty likely that he hasn't had it the whole time, otherwise you would have most likely got it from him even though you show no symptoms.

    Thats just my thought though.
  12. jodhee

    jodhee Newbie

    Hi, thanks yes I guess I should go and get tested then.
    Although I did speak to his doctor just this week and the doctor did not even suggest it to me, you think the doctor would have maybe asked me to come in for a test too ? But for my own (rather fragile) peace of mind i should do it.
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