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Really struggling...My boyfriend gave me herpes.

Discussion in 'Newly Diagnosed' started by alwaysfabulous08, Jan 14, 2009.

  1. It has really been a hard past couple days. I started to get symptoms last Thursday and because I'm such a germaphob and hypocondriac I started checking out webmd and began to feel more and more worried. I had classic signs of a first outbreak but the worst part of it were my flu like symptoms. I finally saw the doctor on Monday b/c I felt the pain was just too much (I have a low-tolerance for pain). I became very hysterical in the doctor's office especially when she said it looks like I contracted it in the past two weeks. I'm someone who is so on top of my health that this whole thing seemed so surreal to me. Then again, I just started dating my new boyfriend (who is absolutely amazing besides the obvious) in October and we didn't always use the necessary precautions. Anyway I pretty much had a meltdown and flipped out on my boyfriend between my uncontrollable sobbing. He said that he didn't know and I totally believe him but it doesn't make me feel better. Now he's totally suffocating me making sure I'm okay and stuff like that. Then he suggested that he may have had mild symptoms and didn't know what it was which made me even more angry. I'm scared that this whole thing will ruin our relationship. I'm trying my best to be fair and understanding of his situation but it's so hard.

    I'm going through so many emotions right now. One minute I feel like the whole situation isn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. On the other hand, I think about how this might upset my whole life with watching my stress level, what I eat, taking supplements, etc. Then I feel scared that I will never have sex or be in another relationship again if me and my boyfriend don't work out. I don't want this to affect my pretty secure self esteem and the way I handle things. I have been spontaneously crying at random times and I've been taking two hour showers to feel better. I'm terrified of having multiple outbreaks over a period of time and wish my stuff would get better. I'm still waiting on the official test results from the doctor at this point I don't think it could be anything else and why continue to deny the envitable. I disclosed this new diagnosis to my best friend and cousin. My cousin actually admitted that she has Type 1 and that her husband has Type 2 which was shocking to me but also comforting that I'm not alone.

    Anyway I still try to smile bc I'm generally a really bubbly happy person but its so hard right now. I hope this post wasn't too long but I just really needed to write some things down....

    any thoughts would be really helpful....thanks :-)
  2. notaseasy

    notaseasy Newbie

    I was diagnosed yesterday, officially. but learned it "may be" herpes on wednesday the 7th.. I am brandnew to this site. and your post made me want to reach out and hug you. I am sorry. I can understand the rage you feel (felt)
    Ive found this site so helpful. everybody is so nice here.
    just wanted to say hello as a newbie to all of this as well.
    I dont look forward to always having to watch my diet (as if I didnt restrict it enough already!)
    big hugs.
  3. LL82

    LL82 Newbie

    I know exactly what you're feeling and it's all very normal. I'm pretty sure everyone on this site went through the same thing.

    As far as having to "watch what you eat, stress level" etc, it's not THAT bad of a thing to "have to" do. It will at least make you a healthier, more fit person.

    Good luck with your relationship with your boyfriend. This trying time will tell a lot about the strength of our relationship.

    Stick around here. These people are super nice and full of helpful information.
  4. ellen

    ellen Member

    Welcome

    Hi

    Im sorry your going through this, everyone else here has aswell, reading what u wrote almost felt like I wrote it! Right now telling you its all ok is easier said then done, I know. I saw someone about it as I felt I couldnt handle the fact that I had HSV2. I kept thinking, what about kids, what about sex what if this and what if that. She looked at me and said "And what if none of that happens" and to stop living on borrowed time. Borrowed time being worrying now about what MIGHT happen is wasting now. So for your on stress levels, whcih dont help, try not to worry about what might happen and look after you right now! You have a man who is willing to deal with it with you, not everyone here is so lucky. You have herpes and the word is worse then the virus. Im not going to lie its a pain in the arse and I do hate it. But we arent dying, its treatable, we can still have kids. Look into as much as you can so you have the knowledge about H. You will be ok! 9 months ago I never thought I would be writing this, as I was the one new to it all too!

    Hope your better!
  5. ginnyp

    ginnyp Well-Known Member

    I just recently wrote a post under rant and rave called good stuff mixed with the bad, and it's basically showing how after a while, herpes becomes less significant in the grand scheme of things. In the beginning we all feel so fearful, but truthfully, I realized that with all the other crap life throws at you, herpes really doesn't take much away from us. In fact, it's sort of on the bottom of my list of things bothering me right now. Even a leak in my house has stressed me out more than my herpes! I can deal with an occasional ob, but if that leak takes all my money to fix, or causes mold, or takes up too much of my time, I'm tellin' ya, THAT is causing me way more stress than this virus.
  6. new09

    new09 No longer a member

    I'm 29 and recently diagnosed 3 weeks ago. I haven't changed the way I'm living. I see it as just a minor inconvience. After research and talking to people who actually have it. It is just too much of a common thing for me to lose control. Don't get me wrong, its not a good thing to have but I can't give it that much power.

    As far as watching stress level, etc.,...those are things we should do anyway. I can tell you that high levels of stress, etc., cause worse things than HERPES. My stress level caused a tumor to grow and I had to have surgery last year. So, trust me...herpes can be managed.

    Truth is...you and your boyfriend could've used protection 100% of the time. BUT it doesn't stop anyone from transmitting herpes. I know you're worried about the "what if's"....but I think its wise to worry about the now as well.

    As you begin your own research, you will find people who went on to marry those without H. It is possible. Actually I think its a great possibilty for us all. I'll tell you what a lady friend of mine said her Husband said when they met "Do you think I'm going to let some bumps, stop me from marrying you!!!? He knew the risk but the risk isn't death. Herpes doesn't make you any less desireable to the RIGHT PERSON!!! But above all else, you're the one who can give herpes the definition in your life. If you define it as the thing that caused you to dislike yourself...that is what it is. But if you give it no room to change you in a bad way...you have controlled it.

    Keep your head up =)
  7. Thanks so much for all the support!

    This site really is amazing! I really do appreciate all the support. It has really changed how I feel in the past few days. Me and boyfriend spent last night just hanging out and for once not talking about the fact that we both have herpes. And I told him that, shit happens and we move on. Its not life threatening. I hope to keep that attitude even in the potential challenging times of this situation. Anyway just wanted to say a million thanks to those who responded and those who may not have responded but feel where I'm coming from....

    alwaysfabulous08
    New York, NY
  8. anxious32

    anxious32 Member

    I too am glad for coming across this site...it has brought me some piece of mind, knowing that im not alone.

    I was also just recently diagnosed with HSV2, if ever you want to talk you can email me....and considering we are from NY, we may have a few things in common...lol

    Take care, and stay positive.
  9. My boyfriend game me herpes too!

    We met mid Dec 2008 and fell totally in love, he told me first that he loved me and it was music to my ears. Then New Year's Day 2009 we came home from a party and it was already the wee hours of the morning and we had sex. We showered afterwards when I saw it on his penis. I exclaimed what is that?! He shrugged his shoulders and I looked at it and it was SOMETHING for sure. I have cold sores and it didn't quite look like that but at this point it was too late with me as we didn't use a condom. We had the talk but then came to find out after this he hadn't been tested in 5 years. He said if it is something I am so sorry, over and over. I still love him but this is so early in our relationship I fear the guilt will push him away or the fact I am so upset, sad and suddenly needy will.

    New Year's Day we went to a Planned Parenthood because he is self employed and doesn't have insurance. They couldn't get him in until a few days later. I was still fine but then had symptoms a day or two later. I freaked out and started crying and we went to Urget Care. The doctor gave me false hope and said he bet it was a tear since my boyfriend is large. My boyfriend had a flat tire and missed his appointment. Then he couldn't get in for a few more days. I'm still freaking out and it was uncomfortable and gross. Then I got the phone call last Thursday so this is still new for me. He held me as I laid there crying and he hasn't said I love you but only "we will figure it out". I need to hear "I love you". He has been so quiet and withdrawn so my mind is going crazy. I have cried every day since but not in his presence. Mostly at work and to the friends and my brother whom I told. He seems aloof with the outbreaks but they are worse for us girls. Shit, he didn't even notice this on himself for peet's sake! I am hurt but he didn't know so I am torn on how to feel. I confronted him with his lack of affection that I need and he said he was sorry for his attitude. He hasn't told me if they called with confirmation yet that it is HSV-2 and I drove myself crazy even more thinking what if it is negative and it was me?! It can't be...I saw it on him before I had symtoms but you never know and its killing me.

    I know he is dealing too so he left 2 days ago to go ice fishing with a friend and won't be back until tomorrow. Communication was minimal and I balled my eyes out the past two days feeling abandoned and scared he will come home and say its over. Finally last night he replied to a message and at the end it said "Miss u" and I felt a million times better. Before this he told me if we were going like we are in 6-8 months from now he will want to get married. I hope he still feels the same way because I do even though he gave me this life changing thing. We both have it and what is done is done. I'm having a hard time and so is he moving forward and feeling normal. When do we get there. We have had sex since then which was a concern of mine of ever getting intimacy back until it happened. The sex is still great and I love him and hopefully with time it gets better. I guess we are starting over but it feels like the end for some reason. There is no guarantee he will stay but I am in it for the long haul. I pray to God this only makes us stronger as a couple but how do I make the bad thoughts of him leaving me stop?

    It doesn't help that it is that time of the month for me too, my emotions are running high and can't get a grip. That Miss u text helped a lot and I feel pretty good today. I wish my boyfriend was all over me with support and making sure I am ok but everyone is different. I'm more mad at myself for not buying my own condoms and just beating myself up over that I could have prevented this and had the choice rather than the unfortunate infection. He isn't telling anyone so I am guessing that is why he needed to get away.

    Anyway, anyone out there whose relationship survived this scenario? I told him I didn't want to lose him and his response was "you haven't kicked me out and I haven't left so..." Not what I wanted to hear and I told him that and he said he was just trying to make light of the situation. I said its not funny and he said "sorry, I don't want to lose you." This is so frustrating and I would like to hear from a guy that gave it to his girfriend and how he processed it and treated/acted around her.

    Thanks for "listening" we both never thought in a million years this would happen to us.
  10. TheArcheologist

    TheArcheologist Active Member

    Similar situation, I think she gave it to me, but my g/f at the time is in denial and left me for someone else. I was persistent in telling her to get tested and now she just ignores me. i want to give the new guy the heads up but i feel that she will think i'm stalking them and I will ruin there new relationship.
    Oh well, I guess it works out for some, for others not so much.
  11. literati

    literati Newbie

    Your story is exactly the same as mine, down to the days of the week. My boyfriend is being great, but how can I not feel like something is lost, something is ruined? I've been so unfocused and distant since I got diagnosed. I can't seem to focus and I keep feeling so miserable and lost. I feel like I had everything going for me and now its all over. Do I just get over it and forgive? Help :-(
  12. You will be okay darling, this virus is a horrible thing to have to deal with psychologically but it really isn't medically a big deal. If you had herpes on your face would you be so concerned? Just rest, relax and let it get better over time. Give yourself time to heal emotionally and physically. Also feel glad your boyfriend seems like a lovely and genuinely concerned guy. Have compassion for him as well i'm sure he is a bit shocked to!.
  13. How did you approach talking to your boyfriend? I found out on Wednesday, and still haven't told him that he gave it to me. I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt, as I'm pretty sure he didn't know that he had oral herpes, but since we had oral sex and not intercourse, and he's the only guy I've ever been with, I know it was him and I'm having a really hard time not blaming him and not being completely furious at him. I feel like I need to forgive him but can't yet... just can't. It sounds like maybe we are in similar situations? Let me know how it went for you!
  14. His Boo

    His Boo Newbie

    My boyfriend and I, prior to starting a relationship had known each other for years and he always liked me but I never gave him the time of day. I always wanted us to remain friends, now that he gave me herpes, I really wish I had stuck to my original plan. We have been together for some 9 months or so and in the beginning the sex was the best I ever had. I got really comfortable with him and we stopped using condoms. Well, one evening he came home and asked me to look at his penis and I noticed 2 sores, he said it may have been from him sweating all day and that this happened before. Although I was worried I was a bit relieved when he said he had seen it before. I thought this meant it wasn't anything to be taken seriously. Two days after I started having a really watery discharge (tmi :-() and couldn't understand what was going on, then I started getting chills and terrible headaches. I didn't even make a link with the discharge and the headaches, just thought it was the flu and then some kinda infection down there. Then I saw what looked like a really bad insect bite and then another and then another....my discharge got so watery I had to wear a pad. Even then I didn't consider the headaches as symptoms. I googled the discharge and saw that all the symptoms I was having was herpes. I went to the doctor and he also said "just the flu and infection" until he saw the healed sores on my bf penis and then said it's herpes. Unlike most ppl I didn't get angry, I really wanted to as it is in my nature to get dramatic and over-react to everything but no, somehow I was more hurt and confused than angry. I wasn't sure how to react. I wanted to blame him but somehow I couldn't because he obvisouly didn't know. I thought to myself, how could he be so careless to not check it out the first time, how could he be so careless to have unprotected sex with his former partners? I then realised I only had myself to blame because I did the same thing. I had to consider his feelings too because someone gave it to him and we pretty much were in the same boat.

    My outbreak was so painful and annoying while his was mild and almsot non existent. I read the first outbreak is usually the worst so now I understand why that is so. I'm just happy I know what it is and that I can treat it. As for our relationship, I love him no less and hope it works out. If it doesn't i don't know how I will approach sex with another partner but I'll cross that bridge when or if I ever get to it.
  15. nothere

    nothere Newbie

    I am in exactly the same situation right now. since it's been a while for you now, any advice on how to deal? Especially if the boyfriend isn't going to stick around.. =(
  16. AnonGirl

    AnonGirl Member

    My situation is extremely similar to yours. Trust me, you aren't alone-- and it will be okay. As far as never dating and stuff if you guys don't work out... do you realize how many people have herpes? TONS! 1 in 5 people has GH, and so many people have oral herpes its not even funny! It's seen as taboo and gross only because everyone hides it, but in reality I bet tons of people you know have herpes (whether they realize it or will admit it or not).
    So honestly, even if you never dated another herpes-less person again, your dating pool is pretty wide open.

    Once you get over the shock and the first outbreak, the emotional rollercoaster will start to even out. Trust me, I know-- when I got my diagnoses and my first EXTREMELY PAINFUL ob I nearly lost my mind. I cried multiple times a day, shut people out... it was terrible. But I'm here, a year and a half later, and I'm okay, happy, and in a solid relationship.
  17. moriah

    moriah Newbie

    I gave it to him

    My boyfriend and I had each done independent blood work-ups before even meeting each other, him 4 months prior to dating, I 10 months earlier --- we were both HSV1 positive for cold sores. My boyfriend had an outbreak of what we thought were bug bits three months ago. He got tested and was still only HSV1 positive... I got more blood work done despite never having had a break out... Turns out I am HSV2 positive. He will be going back this week to have his tests rerun.

    The guilt, pain, shame and self-hatred I feel is unbelievable.
  18. His Boo

    His Boo Newbie

    @nothere well I really wish I could give you the best advice but I can tell you what works for me. If my boyfriend at this point wanted to leave I dont think it would affect me much as it relates to Herpes. I have had only one outbreak since my last post and it only lasted a day or so. Now that I have accepted it, I just figure whoever is deserving of being with me in the future will have to accept my condition. I hardly think I will end up alone because I still believe there are sensible, understanding men out there who can see beyond an infection and love me for the person I am. My boyfriend and I always use a condom now and I will insist on it for the rest of my life, not just because of the herpes but I took this as a warning because it could have been worse (it could have been HIV). All I can say nothere is, it will be devastating at first but life goes on and as other ppl have stated there are so many ppl living with herpes, it's closer to home than you think. good luck with your relationship!!!
  19. Kitty123

    Kitty123 Well-Known Member

    • VIP Supporter
    While I'm not a 'guy who gave it to his girl'. I am a woman who gave it to her fiance with his permission!

    Firstly - you need to understand that you can't MAKE a man or EXPECT a man to say EXACTLY what you want him to say. You need to see the relationship and your boyfriends actions for what they really are! Sincere! If he is staying with you its because he wants to. If a man does not want to be with you he won't. So, my advice would be to stop worrying about what he 'isn't' saying, and start enjoying what he IS saying to you.

    Don't let Herpes make you self conscious and don't let it destroy your self-esteem. Rejoice that you have love and companionship in your life because if you keep worrying over it, you may very well push him away.

    He is trying to 'make light' of the situation, and he's right. In the GRAND SCHEME of things, Herpes is so small. When we first get diagnosed and have little knowledge of the condition it can seem like a GIANT SKYSCRAPER hovering over us and threatening to fall ontop of us. When it ISN'T!!! It's just an annoying skin condition that carries a really stupid stigma.

    So many OTHER conditions carry stigmas too. Same with people who have missing l limbs or one blind eye or both. All it takes to create a stigma is for someone to 'stare' at the other person who may not be 'like them'.

    Don't give credit to Herpes than it deserves. It's been around alot longer than any of us has been.

    Just enjoy your boyfriend. Live your life with Herpes. Don't try to smother your boyfriend with insecurities of him leaving you. Because I was like that in the beginning with my fiance, and trust me - it can definitely start to wear thin after awhile. Nobody wants to constantly have to hear, "Do you love me, will you leave me?" all the time. If you spend your time in constant worry in your relationship because of Herpes, you will soon find that your relationship will not consist of 'you and your companion', it will consist of 'you, and your Herpes'.

    Sure you could've prevented it. So could I have. But if you spend so much time dwelling over your 'past mistakes', you will start making mistakes that affect your 'future'.

    Think about it.

    (HUGS TO YOU)
  20. Rayne102

    Rayne102 Newbie

    I feel like im you

    Hi, I am a 31 year old mother who is currently 6 months pregnant. I found out I had herpes a month ago. My then boyfriend tryed to explain to me that he made a mistake and cheated on me and that he was sorry. I am so hurt and and emotions are runnning everywhere. He first acted like we were gonna get through this together until i found out he was talking back to his ex-girlfriend and on top of that he has been telling me nothing but lies. We already have a 2 year old together and I have 5 other kids and he has 2 other kids that he raises. Now that he is talking back to his ex he has no concern for what i am going through or feelings. I am torn.
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