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Recently divorced, first new boyfriend and Bam!!!he gave me herpes!!!

Discussion in 'Newly Diagnosed' started by Lanny, Oct 14, 2012.

  1. Lanny

    Lanny Newbie

    I feel like this is the end! I have been divorced for over a year. Finally met a new man and felt like life was actually comming together. He gave me genital herpes. I just found out on Friday (positive test) while I was in the doctors office he broke up with me by txt. I was waiting on the results before I talked to him about it. I told him that I was possitive for herpes and got it from him. He said he didnt know he had it and had to think about it. Havent heard from him since. Its Sunday.

    I am so mad at him for giving it to me, (I suspect that he knew he had it) but i feel like hes my only hope for not being alone as he has it too. Do I fight to get him back or move on alone?

    I am so lost and confused and feel so alone. Will I now be alone for the rest of my life!!
  2. Dummy

    Dummy Active Member

    No worries

    I am sorry to hear about this !.. Very unfortunate situation .. However, do know you have contracted a disease that is truly about nerves and skin .. just so happens to be located in the genital area.

    I can guarantee this is not about being alone.. You will need time for yourself to get through and heal from this situation .. however, don't count yourself out in life.

    There are plenty of folks who have this condition whether they admit or are in denial.
    This is not a death sentence in any form....

    You may want to reach out to him and see if he can "MAN UP" and have a conversation about this but keep in mind if not .. life goes on..

    Just continue to educate yourself about this condition and do what you feel needs to be done in order to prevent the next person coming to your life from contracting it.. Things will get better!!!
  3. Number7

    Number7 Well-Known Member

    Please don't feel tied to a man that gave you this and says he "has to think about it".
    It sounds like the man he is now..........you will never be #1 in his life. Do you really want that? You've told him.....let him take the next step.

    Basically the same thing happened to me. The guy that gave it to me had slept with "younger" partners (who are more likely to have this) and passed this on to me. I did not know about his history until "after" I slept with him. I was married over 25 years to the only guy I was ever with. Recently divorced and now I have this also.

    Get as educated as you can with this virus before you even try to think about being with someone.

    There's a free book you can download @ westoverheights.com
  4. TXsunshine

    TXsunshine Member

    NO! You do not fight for him, and he is NOT your last chance. You learn the character of a person not when things are carefree and fun, but when the going get's tough, and how they handle themselves. He's shown his true colors. I don't know what happened, but if it's true and he knew and didn't tell you, that says something about him...the HSV doesn't make him a bad person, but behavior does. If he'd rather break up with you then deal with reality, that also says something about him as a person. I would hazard to guess that isn't the kind of person you want as a partner. I'm sure you're in a tailspin at the moment with your recent diagnosis and just coming out of a divorce, but don't let yourself operate out of fear. :)
  5. Hope2bhappy

    Hope2bhappy Newbie

    Hi Lanny & Number7, the same thing happened to me. Left my husband after 13 years, and when a guy I grew up with found out he contacted me, he had said he had a crush on me since we were kids, and he seems sooo awesome, I trusted him, he lied to me, and I got ghsv1. I felt exactly like you, but I'm the one who broke up with him, not because of h, and then feel into a depression, and was thinking I made a mistake and should get back with him. I still think it, although I broke up because he has other issues that were causing major problems. If you would like to talk you can send me a message. But don't think that, this isn't the end of the world, it took me a very long time to start feeling better about this, and this site has helped me greatly. It will get better, but I understand exactly how you feel, I know it's like "are you kidding me?!" that it was the first person after a divorce. Send me a message if you'd like to talk.
  6. WarriorKing

    WarriorKing Staff Member

    • Super Moderator
    You are in no way dependent on that jerk. You just don't know how prevalent this virus is, millions have it. And besides that many are willing to be with you despite them not having it.
  7. Acesheart

    Acesheart HC Support Provider

    Hey Lanny, welcome to our site! :wavey: I got my H from my first husband , he too lied.. If he broke it off with you after you told him, I agree he may have known. If he honestly didnt know why would he take these actions? My ex lied and we were married 5yrs.together too. So I say WHY would you want him back? Why would want a person who is so shady in your life? Why do you need to settle for such a person as him? You are worth so much more. You are just scared and you need to know that you are not alone. We are here and many people here that feel like you do. They all fear they will be alone. I am telling you, you will only be alone if you chose to be. I felt like that too. But when you find the right man and you disclose you will see not all men , MEN/WOMEN, run from H. They get educated and invest in the time it takes to read up on this virus, not turn and run. I feel personally you are probably better off without him. Just think of all the other things he hasnt trusted you enough to tell you? Who knows this may just be your blessing. Take care and please read all you can about h. Here is a book www.westoverheights.com , we also have many links here in our lovely herpes library. Take care , Hugs to you. Ace :hithere:
  8. Lanny

    Lanny Newbie

    Thank you all so much for replying. I am reading the book recommended. Im really having a hard time with this all, but this site is helping. Right now Im just getting thru each day one at a time and dealing with my first out break, its really bad. Its my mental state that worries me, Im so depressed. Still havent heard back from him. But I have managed to keep myself from contacting him. Its just that he has it too and I so need to talk to someone, even if we dont get back together. I cant tell anyone, after my Doctors reaction and change in aditude to me, I can just imagine what others would think.
    Anyway thanks again. This is such a helpful site.
  9. GntiNh

    GntiNh Staff Member

    • Super Moderator
    Lanny if you need to talk to people about it - use here, either through posts or live chat.

    Your doctors are assholes and not educated enough about HSV. Who are they to judge you, I bet most of them have HSV - remember as many as 80% have oral HSV.

    Don't just keep in contact with him because you are scared. HSV has lots of emotions but I found this site great to rant, cry and laugh so let it out.
  10. Acesheart

    Acesheart HC Support Provider

    Hey Lanny I truly understand what you mean about doctors. My daughters dr is infectious disease, so I thought I would see him when my script was running out. Well he declared me cured. WTF? I was like im having my second ob now as we speack. He is also an immunologist too! I was livid and he and I have never spoken again. He gave me Xanax 60 pills, not the antivirals I requested, he also refused to retest me , since I have had GHSV2 for 24 years, he say my antibodies have all died off and I am suddenly cured, BUT he could not explain why I was having an outbreak. Umm...because I have herps? lmao. I found another he is infectious disease and from India he is simply wonderful. But he too at first say to me " Well Ace , you dont look like a woman with herps" ? I asked "hey what they look like "???? He says Oh I stuck my foot in it didnt I ? I say you surely did. He gave me a two year supply of meds then. lol.. So you will meet many doctors some good some SHITHEADS... I have a total of 16 doctors over my 24 years span with genital herps. Some were great , but retired. Others , well lets just say I never gave them the chance to retire, I walked.

    I say give this situation time. I think if he knew and never disclosed , then do you really want someone who you cannot fully trust? I mean ask yourself . Would you really be able to fully trust him again? As they say the proof is in the pudding, well honey he is still missing in actions, so that speaks volumes. Please just take care of you. Be selfish and do for you! Look out for you! Pamper you! If he comes back let it be what you want on your terms. Why would you settle for a liar? You deserve so much better than that! Take care, im here if you want to talk.. Truly, hugs Ace :hithere:
  11. keepingthefaith

    keepingthefaith Active Member

    Hi there,

    You can check out my post in the "Secret of our success" page... just posted it.

    The beginning sucks! And unfortunately, there are so many men who don't know they have it, then love em and leave em after they find out. Sadly, it seems to be a real theme here.

    This is not the end, however. It's a big blow. And then your body and mind will work it out. Then you will be ok.
  12. thank you for your post, its nice to know im not the only one to fall into this right out of a relationship.
  13. lostalone

    lostalone Newbie

    So ashamed

    I can relate. I'm the type of person who tries to do everything "right" all of the time. I married the love of my life in 2005. He and I were perfect for each other. He's the only man I've ever trusted. There were red flags, of course, but love conquered all. We had a difficult relationship. He was gone a lot. I was forced to crawl into my independent shell and carry on while he was away. The good memories kept me going. I never once considered cheating on him or thought I might be in the "wrong relationship." I was 100% committed to him.

    He cheated on me with an ex girlfriend. I couldn't believe it. I really thought he loved me and knew what a marriage commitment meant.

    I had to divorce him...due to the fact that there was a permanent result from his affair (a baby) and the fact that I knew a person wouldn't dream of cheating on or saying horrible things to someone they claim to LOVE. Drives me nuts how few people actually know what love is nowadays.

    Anyway, it's been several years since my ex husband cheated on me and we divorced. I dated a few men over the next couple of years, trying to lessen the pain/move on and then took two years off completely from dating. I still was not over my ex and the pain he caused me. I decided to focus on rebuilding myself and learning to love myself again.

    Then I moved and decided to give dating a shot again. I wasn't serious about anyone until I met my last boyfriend. Typically, if there is a guy I feel has potential for being "husband material", I encourage STD testing before sleeping with him. This last one -(who I'm kicking myself over because he is SO MUCH like my ex-husband except with even MORE red flags) I decided to sleep with without questioning his previous whereabouts enough or encouraging him to get tested. He was divorced with kids and said he was over his ex wife. He cheated on her (RED FLAG) and then was mad that she started cheating on him after she found out about his indiscretions. (I don't think he has the right to be mad.) I don't know why I got involved with him. I really don't. I know he's not the type I should date or fall for...but he's so magnetic and I LOVE being around him. Makes me melt. (Ridiculous, I know.) I fell hard, but got sick immediately after being with him. SO sick. I was so scared. I went to the doctor and he diagnosed me without even LOOKING down there. My symptoms were so severe and obvious. I told my boyfriend that I got sick...trying not to blame him, because I was feeling so guilty about being SO flippin' careless...

    I didn't tell him specifically what it was, but that he should get tested. He has not...and doesn't seem to be concerned, which indicates to me that he KNEW he had something to be concerned about and tested for. When he was around me, he still wanted to sleep with me even after I told him how sick I got. It was so odd. I waited three months to do an official blood test - wanting to know if I had anything else. Genital Herpes was confirmed, and my heart sank. I just wanted to say that even though I am devastated and KNOW that I should forget about him forever...I relate to feeling like I need to make it work because no one else will possibly ever want me now that I'm permanently diseased. I do love him. Not like I loved my ex husband, but enough to be sad that he has pulled away from me to focus on his professional life and kids. His kids do need his attention...I'll never argue with that. It seems though, that he is not over his ex wife. I don't think he'll ever love another woman the way he loved her. Makes me feel like my ex husband made me feel...like second best. The ex always wins out. I'm so sad. So alone. I feel like my life is over. I'm just so disgusted with myself for not running a million miles away from this guy when I knew I could never trust him...and knew he was never going to love me as much as I was able to love him.

    That's my reality...
  14. dangitinAL

    dangitinAL Well-Known Member


    It may not always be easy but if you believe in yourself you will find a man who deserves you... not the other way around. YOU have to be extra careful and treat your sexuality like gold. You have an increased chance of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases due to breakouts you may not know you have.

    You are the same person you were, hopefully a bit smarter, and you will find what you deserve.. you just have to know what you deserve.

  15. NearNew

    NearNew Member

    I know I might be asking for trouble but when I read this post it reminds me so much of myself.
    I recently split (june) from my wife of fifteen years (together since I was 18) with two beautiful children. Over things that need not be named but I struggled to cope and was doing everything wrong. Anyway I met this girl who was nice I could talk to her but I wasn't ready for a serious relationship and I was honest from the start. I had never been myself I had always been a couple a married man so I needed time to find out who I was. Anyway the first time I slept with this woman I didn't use protection (silly me I know but). Anyway a couple of days later I found two little pustules that looked to me like ingrown hairs I actually shaved for her. (Apparently that's the thing to do these days.) anyway I had a thought it might be herpes but I didn't really admit it to myself. Anyway last wed morning they were back and I was scared off down to the doctor where he swabbed them and will get results in a couple of days. But I am pretty sure I know what I have. The doctor put me on medication for herpes anyway. So I get home looked at the Internet a little more cause I had looked a little before and called my sexual partner to tell her that she has possibly given me herpes. To which she replies "I had that a while ago but I was told I couldn't pass it on if I wasn't having an outbreak and I'm on medication and I haven't had an outbreak since the first time." So because of her ignorance and I don't even know if she really believes that she couldn't pass it on I am not only sealing with an exwife my two beautiful children custody division of assets I also having to deal with the realisation that my sex life is changed forever and I always loved sex. Now I'm second guessing myself. So it isn't always the man that stuffs up. And there are good men out there. I really am working hard at keeping positive and not letting myself fall into a cycle of depression. And deal with things as they come. Sorry to post my issues on your post but I am feeling your pain.
  16. Lanny

    Lanny Newbie

    We all have so many sad stories. At the very least we are not alone, and although miles and miles apart can support eachother.
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